Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
