i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
