I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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