You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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