I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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