Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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