life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
