We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
