Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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