this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
