he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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