I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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