Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize