you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I cut my penus on the lid.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
