i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
