can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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