What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
