i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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