The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize