my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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