You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
