just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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