I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
NoShamevember. You game?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
