Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she woke up with a sticky ear
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
