but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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