There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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