If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
