I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
