I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
