I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
