I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
no you cant smoke seaweed
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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