Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Houston, we have a blender
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
