Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
