got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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