I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
