What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
