There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize