I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
