hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
