i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
