gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
