No awkward lesbian experiences without me
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize