I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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