I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Randomize
