May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
