I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
