Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ladies don't puke and tell
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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