New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
