I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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