trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
