So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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