It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
