You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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