The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
