Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
