Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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