Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize