So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
