He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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