A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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