I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
