Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
