Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
