I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
