I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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