is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize