but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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