we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
