why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
