so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
