i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
