yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
