I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
