The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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