Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
